Land of the Free and Home of The Totally Batshit Crazy Update

Somebody could make a career out of this

~ You've probably all heard of the 7-yr-old Baltimore kid, Josh Welch, who was suspended for a couple of days from the Park Elementary School for failing to chew his Pop-Tart into the shape of a mountain, instead ending up with the shape of a gun! To be on the safe side, the monkeys and morons—erroneously referred to as "teachers" and "administrators"—who run the top-down looney bin, have graciously offered counseling to other kids who may have been "upset" by the incident.

Actually, on second thought, it's probably not a bad idea. I can very well imagine 7-yr-olds being somewhat upset to learn that they've been placed in the daily care and supervision of a pack of screeching baboons. Traumatizing.

...That young Josh tried for a mountain and failed, is both prescient and apropos. He succeeded beyond his wildest imagination—and he didn't even start with a mole hill; just a pastry. Perhaps he can spend his suspension perfecting the craft of chewing and shaping a Pop-Tart and all his other foods into an AR-15 Assault Rifle! ....As for mashed potatoes at dinner, Richard Dreyfus is clearly his go-to guy on the ins-&-outs of mountain making—including success at the box office for a sci-fi film that inexplicably appeals to critics and Hollywood elite alike.

Well...the bright side in all of this is that we no longer have to wonder why Idaho attracts so many gun nuts.

private idaho
Your Own Private Idaho

~ Washington State schools, students and parents, not to be outdone....

A 6-year-old boy was suspended from the James McGee Elementary School, in Pasco, Washington, for talking about his toy Nerf guns with classmates. The Pasco School District decided to overturn the suspension on Thursday after speaking with the child's parents.

On Feb. 28, Noah, a first-grader, was sent home after another student said she thought he had a gun with him, after he talked about his toy Nerf guns that his family had recently bought him during a vacation.

The young girl who had overheard Noah reportedly stated that she felt her "health and safety were threatened." Noah was immediately suspended despite not actually having any toy gun with him. Noah's father, Mike Aguirre, says he still punished his son for talking about the Nerf guns with classmates at school.

I don't know about you, but I'm always immediately slain by any and all 6-yr-old girls who walk up to me and proclaim: "I feel that my health and safety are being threatened!" Gets me every time. Right there: there.

In terms of ramifications and fallout, this is potentially very bad news for the Kellogg Company. I mean, who can't figure out what the next logical step is, in all this shenanigans? That's right: suspension from school for talking about Pop-Tarts!

Obvious. In a world of Zero Tolerance, where we'd be bored to tears without the hilarious stories emanating from people in authority who can't think—but can master Zero Tolerance as easily as a chimp can take a ride into low Earth orbit—upping the ante is just du jour. Thanks morons, by the way.

...So Kellogg & Co., you'd better get in front of this instanter. Offhand, I'm thinking Pop-Tarts pre-made into the shape of cute furry little teddy bears...and cats! don't forget about cats; and every box could contain a short URL to a cat video! How cute, unthreatening...and the only counseling required will be for mindless obsessions. (Note to the marketing team: set up a charitable foundation that. 6-yr-old girls with trepidation over health and safety to the head of the line, of course.)

...And while you're at it, think of the killing-two-birds-with-one-stone angle (metaphor!, metaphor!). For your South-American rural market, how about Pop-Tarts in the shape of The Virgin Mary! Think of the possibilities! Make sure to get a jump on inventories for red dyes. "Strawberry," "Cherry," "Blackberry" ahem, "flavors." Get it? Holes, man. Holes. Where her eyes are. A little more engineering as to the viscous properties and thickening agents and you'll have a filling that's not to thin, just thick enough—Just Right! (Note to team: remember the cute furry teddy bears? Yea?! Goldilocks tie in, man, right there atcha—cross marketing potential, all that noise... Whoa, eh?) So we're clear, right? Just a little squeeze, instant crying of blood that tastes sweet and delicious. But make sure you focus group the thing fist, for God's sake (especially). You don't want a flop on your hands. On the other hand, think of all the free advertising you're getting now, and you know what they say about publicity. Yin-Yang, all that noise.

...Only one problem left to solve, and that's the whole tie in to Pop-Tarts chewed into the shape of guns, talking about guns—and by extension, talking about Pop-Tarts—and Pop-Tarts ready made into the shape of cute and meaningful things up to and including tears of blood.

I have ideas, but it's gonna cost you, Kellogg's. Email on my about page. I await your anxious inquiry.

Not convinced, Kellogg? Well ha, you don't have a dedicated cupcake division, do you? Bwahahahaha! School removes toy soldiers with guns from cupcakes, calls them 'insensitive'. See? Don't be foolish. Call me. We'll do lunch.

Comments

  1. Well Richard, I was wondering how long it was gonna take for the US to catch up with those dozy twats who run things here in the UK. Welcome to the Nanny State mate.

  2. Carole AKA CarbsaneR says:

    And talking of fluffy kittens, guess who has one as their avatar on comments now. ROFLMAO

  3. Earl Cannonbear says:

    I’m going to take a contrarian view since it’s so easy to point out the absurdities in the pop-tart story.

    Apparently it was also reported that the kid pointed gun shaped pastry at other students and yelled “Bang, Bang”.

    The kid has also been labelled as ADHD, or what we used to call spoiled snot-nosed little brats when I went to school.

    You know this isn’t the first time this holy terror has caused trouble in that school.

    The teacher probably just had enough with this kid’s constant ill-mannered and unruly behavior, especially so soon after the real shootings at Sandy Hook, and went a little overboard.

    Also, I’m willing to bet the parents in this case place absolutely no constraints on this kid at home, letting him act out however he damn well pleases.

    In the end everyone got what they deserved.

  4. It’s shaping objects using gluten/sugar loaded products that I have issues with. Now if he was using ground grass fed minced meat, not a problem.

  5. Hand-wringing, batshit craziness, and the media. . .Makes a nice trifecta, doesn’t it? A lot more helicopters out and about these days.

    Actually, I’m counting my lucky stars. Not that I’m in anyway proud of what I’m about to tell you, but that I was able to narrowly slip through the cracks of justice. As a kid, all of us neighborhood kids had a Super Soaker and water balloon fight (i.e. hand grenades). *gasp* Until dark. *astonishment* No supervision. *Dead silence* Why our irresponsible and horribly, deficient parents never went to jail, along with us kid savages, is beyond comprehension.

    Another thing: And all these years later I can’t hold it in anymore. I just can’t! But I was spanked as child when I was a little horses ass. The mental anguish I’ve endured has been insufferable. Dr. Phil, book a two-hour special!

    • I think it’s lazy ass to physically dominate kinds in action or threat, and especially in anger and frustration.

      That said, I’d have preferred a beating daily to being forced to go to church.

      Never had to get over the former, and I can’t tell for certain whether it did me some good. The latter is no damage, but a bit of a cause célèbre for me just because.

  6. A.B. Dada says:
  7. Well, it’s only in NYC but I would imagine similar figures apply to the rest of the nation – 80% of the kids from NYC public schools who attend college cannot read, write, or figure above the 8th grade level. They need remedial classes in college just to do, you know, college level work and stuff. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/03/07/officials-most-nyc-high-school-grads-need-remedial-help-before-entering-cuny-community-colleges/

    So, it’s no surprise or stretch to imagine that the illiterates of today, who become the teachers of tomorrow, are in no way capable of exercising any judgment with regard to matters of childhood fascination with blowing shit up.

    • Gabriella Kadar says:

      Don’t know about the percentages here in Toronto, but I’ve heard university of Toronto professors complain that the students are incapable of producing comprehensible written work.

      Kids these days are not being taught to write cursive. Also they don’t know how to tie their shoelaces because they grew up wearing Velcro running shoes.

      A city daycare supervisor told me that kids going into kindergarten don’t know how to use scissors, don’t know how to cut and paste, have not learned any of the manual skills required for doing any sort of arts and crafts in class. Lots of kids have been kept in an apartment all their lives, have inadequate muscle development to climb the ladder to go down the slides. We’ve now got all day kindergarten in this province. I think if so many kids are entering the system at such a disadvantage, then maybe all day kindergarten is a good means for them to catch up.

  8. Jay Jay says:

    Maybe I’m too much of an optimist, but at least stupid shit like this can come to light these days, and earn its deserved ridicule.

    And thanks for that to people like you, Richard!

  9. Sean P. says:

    I guess this is the natural escalation: http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/6745984_460s_v2.jpg

    Only makes sense.

  10. As a teacher at a school with 60% on reduced or free lunches, I can tell you that most of these parents don’t give a shit about their kids education. We end up being day care for kids that don’t give a shit about education. “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is so very true. Oh and these dumb ass teachers and admin probably came from dumb ass parents. Oh, our school system is based of the ol’ Russian once size fits nobody school system. The very institution of education is built upon a foundation of compliance, zero critical thought, corporate profit, and zero creativity.

    • Many of the systems in this country are horrible fucking broken. The educational system is a great example.

      That said, I offer massive respect to the good teachers out there, struggling to do great work in what is a very suboptimal situation. I respect you and feel sad for you.

    • I think you’re kind of right Leo. I think that the problem with education in this country is that we’re trying to treat it as a single “system”. There are over 55 million students in elementary through high schools in this country, and the powers that be think they can devise A system that can serve them all. I think that some of them have genuinely good intentions, but the harder they try, the more they fuck things up.

      I don’t think publicly funded primary education is necessary, but I don’t see my fellow citizens stopping that any time soon, so if you’re going to have it at least give parents more of a say in how their childrens’ educational money is spent.

    • It’s weird, Leo. Over te years there have been incidents at Bea’s schools, they always deal with it internally and when I show her this kinda stuff she just rolls her eyes.

  11. Ah, fun subjects! I had boys in school when this insanity started. My older son and I brainstormed over entire clothing lines after the rulebooks were handed out. He had some great ideas.

    For the “No guns, representations of guns, etc.” rule he was going to have an entire line of “Gun” shirts to test the water. The funniest one I remember was a shirt with a guy holding a caulk gun in one hand and a nail gun in the other, and a caption “Check out my guns of mass construction.”

    Couldn’t have any “religious” stuff, so his favorite idea was a shirt with giant letters on the back at the top “JESUS…” and at the bottom in small letters “…is a very common name in Mexico.”

    Couldn’t have camouflage. I remember two. One shirt just had a tiny, 1/4″ on a side square of camo in the center and the words “If it’s really camouflage, you shouldn’t even see it.” The other shirt had small circles of camo about 2″ in diameter about where his nipples would have been. Caption “Now you can’t see my nipples even when it’s cold.”

    Zero Tolerance, as you point out, is an excuse to require zero judgement. Craziness. Can they talk about nail guns in shop class or does each mention of a nail, caulk, or staple gun result in suspension? Stupid.

  12. Oh, and I forgot: Kittens aren’t threatening? You’ve clearly never been clawed by a kitten. ;) I’ll take a gun sitting on the table over one of those unpredictable animals any day.

  13. It really comes down to your parents. The kids that do the best in class are the ones with supportive parents that push them to be better. Yes there are exceptions, but those aren’t the rule. And these kids don’t need to be geniuses, some of the worst kids are the coddled “gifted” kids.

    • “It really comes down to your parents”

      yes, and not just in terms of them being supportive. It also helps if your mother was well nourished when she was carrying you.

      From the Old Master, Weston Price, read Ch 19 of Nutrition and Physical Degeneration for an amazing insight into how prenatal malnutrition leads to all sorts of dental and mental problems in later life.

      How many of these kids had mothers that were not eating properly?

  14. And don’t forget our wonderful standardized test which have no connection to success later in life. We spend billions on tests that tell us very little about the quality of kids that we are producing.