My Swollen Labia Minora Face

Yesterday was one of about 4 Big Buddha days per year in Thailand. I dunno. It’s not quite like Christmas in the west; perhaps it’s more like lower-keyed Easter. Thais will make a trip to a temple, always gifts in hand…like flowers and food…for the monks and The Buddha. It’s basically a showing of reverence and respect: hallmarks of civilization and culture, and theirs is older than ours.

I pretty much love it. Thais do not wear their religion / tradition on their shirtsleeves as so many moralizers in the west do. For them, it’s more like an invitation with a smile.

Or, a prayer.

They’ve been at it a long time and it seems to work for them. They don’t really care for war and domination. No burning imperative to SAVE THE WORLD FOR JESUS!!!

I doubt there has ever been any such thing as a Thai missionary. What pretentious rot that shit is from Christendom. Thais are doing just fine. They thank you very much.

One of the observances on Big Buddha day is no alcohol. No sales anywhere, no serving. Bars are closed and restaurants that are open don’t serve it.

…Except for the ones I know.

So here’s my personal story of Karma, yesterday.

What’s Karma?

Karma means action, work, or deed. For the believers in spirituality the term also refers to the spiritual principle of cause and effect, often descriptively called the principle of karma, wherein intent and actions of an individual influence the future of that individual: Good intent and good deeds contribute to good karma and happier rebirths, while bad intent and bad deeds contribute to bad karma and bad rebirths.


Pretty much: you get what you pay for, do unto others, tit for tat, payback’s a bitch and et cetera.

After writing yesterday’s post which was hard because of the essentials of critical distillation, I headed down to a pool just a mile away. Shark Bites. Food, bar, pool, and pickleball.

It’s 4 meters at the deep end, just where the climbing wall and platforms are. I have lots of stories recently from that place, enough for two other upcoming posts. But yesterday was a bit extra special because #1, they were unabashedly serving alcohol on Big Buddha Day.

First to show up was a couple of French dudes, 40-ish. 8yo Thai boy in tow. One guy is the dad and the other, like an uncle. I detect them speaking French and I introduce myself.

Incroyable, un Américain qui parle français!

“Il parle bien français!”

My French is getting back to where it was 30 years ago when I lived in Toulon and was the US Navy exchange officer there. I speak it almost every day and I don’t even need French people. Plenty of Belgians and Swiss here.

The boy is quite remarkable. At only 8 years old, he speaks Thai, French, and English. He’ll be fully trilingual. His English is the typical American. I laugh all the time about this. I talk to a lot of kids with farang (white foreigner) fathers. Doesn’t even matter if the dad has a heavy German accent. The kid speaks American. In addition to the international schools, they watch movies.

…The boy and I have a blast in the pool and within minutes, we’re jumping off the 4-meter platform together while dad and uncle look on, clapping. How cool is that?!

We were speaking French and then I ask him how he learned English, since dad and uncle said they speak to him in French almost exclusively.


Just on the heels of that, a guy shows up and we strike it up. A bit older than me but does the formula so you get young Thai chicks. Looks a low 50ish at 64. Short hair, clean shaven, tan, rugged, leanish, and a twinkle in his eye. He’s an American who’s lived in Bali, Indonesia for many years and even built a 30-room hotel there. Now crashed and up for sale because COVID!!!

As I’m chatting with Ken, Hugo shows up, a Brit I call Victor so that I can remember Hugo. Unbeknownst to me, they’re mutual friends with Jeff, another American who shows up right after. I’ve known Jeff for some months and once I met him, we run into each other all the damn time. Jeff is so kooky and weird, he falls into the category of my collected people where, if they didn’t exist, you’d have to invent them.

…Incidentally, that’s a riff on Voltaire: “Si Dieu n’existait pas, il faudrait l’inventer.” [If God didn’t exist, we’d have to invent him.] I put my favorite people in that category. I learned it from French folks who do the same.

I’m feeling charged and energized at this point in spite of zero food for the day, and it’s about 3p. I head out and sure enough, most of my haunts are closed for BBD. But I find one open, a nicely going concern restaurant / bar, owned by a former barmaid at another haunt, whom I’ve known for over a year—as well as her Welshman boyfriend, Roger.

Fucking cool place and it’s 500 meters down the soi from where I lived for 3 months last year…so I know the area well.

So get this: I come on in and sit down with Roger from Wales, Gary from Norway, and Peter from Australia. American, Welshman, Norwegian, and Aussie. I do this every fucking day everywhere around here and so it may not surprise you very much that I laugh at all nationalist-based xenophobia-esque bullshitshit.

…I have to explain the black-flag tattoo I have on my right shoulder often enough. “You see all the flags and all the colors? Well, I don’t really give a fuck. No allegiances.” I deal with a curious and unusual thing exclusively: people. We sit down and chat. There’s a lot of crossover and similarity, no matter the colors of their flags.

It’s BBD, alcohol is prohibited, so we have to go with Thai bar convention, which is to serve in coffee mugs. German coffee is beer. French coffee is wine. Irish coffee is no coffee. I’m always going Irish.

Soon as I start sipping, karma befalls me for being in violation of the reverence and respect demanded on this holy day.

…But first, I must tell a story from the night before and to not do so would compromise my integrity and that’s no way to do anything.

I brought a girl home for the night. Yes, I know I have a longstanding girl here. I had a long text exchange with Beatrice, my ex, just a few days ago about this. It’s very difficult for those of Western and Christian culture and tradition to get how Buddhists, around even longer, deal with normal stuff in life.

So, because I cannot live in rural rice paddy land with fuck-all to do, I live in places where there’s lots to do. The girl and I are together but separate. Without fucking Covid, we’d be together far more often and I hope that soon it will be all the time. At a point, she’ll say to me, “Richard, go get a girl; you need it, just be fair to me.”

And that’s that.

I brought home Muuk, a young Thai chick I’ve known for a while. The first time, she hadn’t had sex in 6 years and I was her first farang. I made a bit of a thing of it this night and took her to a couple of places, one to play pool and the other, a bit of live music.

This 3rd time, she comes in and as always, “oh my Buddha,” and starts cleaning the house. The kitchen is especially bad. But I say WAIT!

Beginning from her shoulders, I gently and slowly remove every stitch of clothing down to her ankles. When she dutifully steps out I say “ok, now go clean the kitchen.”

She obliges as I just sit there watching, respectfully—doing nothing I wouldn’t do in public.

Then the predictable thing happens. She’s loving it. At a point, she lifts her hands in the air, twirling, and saying “me nit noy mow” (meā nidh̄ǹxy…เมานิดหน่อย)…I’m a little bit drunk. I’m no stranger to this. I was introduced to it back at Oregon State in 1983, so nearly 40 years ago. Leticia would clean the house buck naked but for her red Converse tennies. Good reason for women to keep themselves looking fucking sexy naked. No need to be shy.

As Muuk kept facing me, her sexual arousal became rather apparent. No, not in a male way, but the swelling was there.

That was still on my mind when the next day, all the foregoing transpired.

“Soon as I start sipping, karma befalls me for being in violation of the reverence and respect demanded on this holy day.”

I have no idea what it was. I’d guess dust and pollen residue in the coffee mug, and it drove my lips crazy. Tingling, then swelling, but nothing else anywhere. Once I knew it was localized and acute, I started to have fun with my misfortune.

Having in mind what I’d seen the night before, I took selfies, sent them to friends, and paraded around.


So now you have the whole and rest of the story.

…Knowing that even I am not going to put “horny pussy lips” in the title to a post, I went out searching for a more clinical description and came up with swollen labia minora. Along the way, I came across this.

Female Sexual Arousal: Genital Anatomy and Orgasm in Intercourse

In men and women sexual arousal culminates in orgasm, with female orgasm solely from sexual intercourse often regarded as a unique feature of human sexuality. However, orgasm from sexual intercourse occurs more reliably in men than in women likely reflecting the different types of physical stimulation men and women require for orgasm. In men, orgasms are under strong selective pressure as orgasms are coupled with ejaculation and thus contribute to male reproductive success. By contrast, women’s orgasms in intercourse are highly variable and are under little selective pressure as they are not a reproductive necessity.. The proximal mechanisms producing variability in women’s orgasms are little understood. In 1924 Marie Bonaparte proposed that a shorter distance between a woman’s clitoris and her urethral meatus (CUMD) increased her likelihood of experiencing orgasm in intercourse. She based this on her published data which were never statistically analyzed. In 1940 Landis and colleagues published similar data suggesting the same relationship, but these data too were never fully analyzed. We analyzed raw data from these two studies and found that both demonstrate a strong inverse relationship between CUMD and orgasm during intercourse. Unresolved is whether this increased likelihood of orgasm with shorter CUMD reflects increased penile-clitoral contact during sexual intercourse or increased penile stimulation of internal aspects of the clitoris. CUMD likely reflects prenatal androgen exposure, with higher androgen levels producing larger distances. Thus these results suggest that women exposed to lower levels of prenatal androgens are more likely to experience orgasm during sexual intercourse.

It’s an enlightening read and if you don’t see humor in the acronym CUMD, then you have no sense of humor.

In my vast experience since the young bar girl in Pusan, Korea, 1982, I’ve had them all. Some come rather easily but most, it’s a bit of work either oral or digital. One decent reason I so adore my chick is that she gets off with intercourse alone, doggie prefered (‘it go more deep,’ she says). She likes everything but wants to be fucked the most. …And after all these years of honing my digital and oral skills…

I dunno. Perhaps it’s because she calls me old man and smiles or winces.

How about that? She sent me a selfie just a bit ago and my reply was that “I love you and it’s going to kill me.” We’re at it for 28 months now.

Hey, my stuff is surely not for everyone. If you like it, you’re probably on the right long-tail of the intelligence distribution. Few in the fat part of any Gaussian distribution would like what I write, since being in the fat part means you’re just average, rather stupid, and highly prone to doing and thinking what you’re told.

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  1. James McCullough on May 17, 2022 at 02:39

    A post like this is further encouragement for me to pack up my things and come to Thailand. Is non-monogamy common in Thailand, or is your lady special?

    • Richard Nikoley on May 17, 2022 at 06:24

      It’s my impression that monogamy is an expectation of many women, but from what I see and hear, somewhat not achievable.

      Thai men fool around a lot (of course, they have to have someone to fool around with so there’s that…). Even my GF’s father and grandfather fooled around. Multiple kids from multiple women. Yui has one full sibling, about a dozen half siblings, some she’s never even met.

      I have a saying. Every girl has the same story.

      What seems to irk them the most is not so much the sex, it’s the abandonment (often with 1 or 2 kids already) or, the dilution of support if he’s giving money to other girls.

      I guess I’d have to say that the chief difference is that in the west, it’s often viewed as a moral failing and here, more of a character flaw.

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