I’ll get to that story at the end.

OK, so here’s what went down. A few weeks back, I snagged myself a diesel pickup truck, and then I figured, why the hell not? I loaded up with my Thai girlfriend, one of her sons, and his pregnant girlfriend, and we hit the road for a proper adventure. We hammered out the 750 km drive—that’s about 465 miles—from Pattaya straight to my girlfriend’s homestead, where her whole damn family lives. It’s nuts; she knows every single soul in the place. The truck ran like a champ, no bullshit, everything went smooth as silk.

We rolled in just in time for the big New Year’s Eve blowout. We dove right into that party and kept it rolling until the wee hours, then picked up where we left off the whole next day. The festivities just wouldn’t quit.

Anyway, this is me filling you in on what I’ve been up to lately. But hell, I went ahead and made a video that lays it all out—no holding back—including a full tour of my girlfriend’s half-acre plot jammed with fruit trees. If you’re into that shit, like getting a real sense of h›ow these trees work and what it’s all about, you gotta watch this thing.

The final minute is of a restaurant outing where the Australian and I split the $200 US bill.

Now to the sad story of the Australian Cunt

Alright, now let’s talk about the story of Jimmy. So, I’ve known Far for two years, and she’s got this younger sister whose husband is Jimmy. I’ve heard about Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy non-fucking-stop because he’s her sister’s husband. But the first thing that hits me is, why the hell did he marry her sister and drag her off to Perth, Australia? Rule number one for me: you never take a Thai girl to your own country. That says something right there, because she’ll miss her family every goddamn day. You just can’t do that. But he did it anyway, and they had a baby together—his name’s Keegan. Good little boy, I think he’s about four years old or something like that. A solid kid. And to his credit, Jimmy’s making sure Keegan has English as his first language. But I’m not sure you have to go all the way back to Australia, uproot the girl, and make her miss her family every day of her life just to achieve that. Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked here. I want to focus on Jimmy in particular.

I’ve heard about him plenty. They come here on these yearly trips, stay a few months every year—once or twice, but I only met them last time they were here. I met Fa’s sister and Keegan, the little boy, and for sure, he’s picking up English real well as his first language. They’re good people to me. I didn’t meet Jimmy then, but I was always anxious to finally lay eyes on him because, you know, he’s like folklore around here. He comes for one or two months every year, otherwise they’re stuck in Australia. For me, not so good, but I still waited and waited. Then it turns out this year they’re here at the same time Fa and I make a trip up north, so I’m like, hell yeah, very joyous and happy to meet Jimmy. But there’s backstory. I’ve told Fa many times—I say to her that Americans and Australians are very, very good together, like brothers. I’ve got many Australian friends all over Thailand. One of my best friends just dropped dead a few weeks ago, and I loved that bastard. But I know Australians; I know how they talk and everything.

So, on December 31, we roll in here for the New Year’s party, and I meet Jimmy for the first time. I know within 10 seconds he’s not like all the other Australians I know. He’s not like that at all. But I try to do my best to make things okay. I already know his wife and his son from more than a year prior, so I’m like, how can I handle this right? For the most part, it’s okay; we can get along. Then one day I’m talking about this stupid windmill project here in Thailand—wind power, which everybody with a nose knows is very stupid and on the downslope. Turns out he works in it. Ha ha. Okay, so I chalk it up to the guy’s making money from it. You’re not gonna change that until it just goes by the wayside.

Then the next incident: there’s this tradition of well-wishing for someone who’s going on a trip or heading away, right? Well-wishing, but the Thais are laughing, so I laugh with them too. I don’t speak Thai, so I do the ritual, but I like to talk shit, like “eni miny” or whatever. After I finish, I go to Jimmy and say, like, “I don’t know what they’re talking about; sometimes they’re laughing and everything.” And he says to me, “You’re disrespecting Thai culture.” He says it to me like my 87-year-old father or my 84-year-old mother would not dare talk to me like that, nor any brother I know. But this Jimmy fuck talks to me like that. That was second round that He’s a woman; he’s kind of a girl. And if you watch him around Thai people, he’s always everything, everything, everything—rather than being an Australian man in Thailand. I’m an American man in Thailand, I love everything, but I’m not a woman. He’s a woman; he’s a girl.

So, like, I listen to—I watch him talk to his son Keegan. He talks to his son Keegan more like a mother than Keegan’s actual mother. So, what do you mean? Keegan’s mother has to be the man to teach Keegan how to be a man because Jimmy is like a girl. The other night they have medicine; Keegan didn’t like it. Jimmy’s like, “Oh sorry, oh sorry, oh sorry, sorry, sorry”—he talks to his boy like a woman, like a mother. He has a mother already, right? So, Jimmy, this is 1-2-3 things, okay?

Then the big thing happened the night before last. We all go out, take the family to dinner. Jimmy and I split the bill—huge spread for 15 people, about US$200. Jimmy and I split it. Okay, good, right thing. But he thinks he has impunity to talk to me as though I’m like the little boy here. It’s not gonna happen; it’s not going to happen. Last night, Fa and I came back—we were up in the German place and ate some schnitzel, came back to the patio. I’m a little bit inebriated, sure, but there was someone parked in front of her mom’s house, so I said, “Okay, I’ll park over there.” It was on the other side of the road, all brush. I parked deep into the brush—it’s a pickup, it’s a diesel pickup truck, no problem. But she doesn’t like it, so after we get out, she tries to give the keys of my car to Jimmy to like correct me. I’m a little bit drunk; I’m talking. So she gives the keys to Jimmy, and I’m like, oh, that is not gonna happen. So I pull the keys away. I say to my girlfriend Fa, “Never, ever, ever do something like that to me. Never, never.”

So I go move the car—it’s like, easy, okay? Move it from the brush to the other side of the road. Then I go in and talk to Jimmy. He’s sitting there with his son on the side of the house. “Is there gonna be any problem about this?” Immediately he goes off on me. I didn’t do anything; I didn’t hurt anyone about anything. It’s literally about parking a fucking car. So I go in, and he’s crazy when I start talking. Im trying to smooth things over. “I already told you to leave one time. Leave and leave my son.”

Now I’m gonna interject here because Thai people are drunk types; many types of people get drunk all the time—a lot, a lot. Does he ever say anything? No, he never says a word; he lets them handle Keegan, his son, kiss his head, whatever, always to his sounds of appreciation. But me, because I’m an American…

He’s a duplicitous cunt. Also, he’s a woman in a man’s flesh. He talks to his son as though his son is his daughter. She gets more manly, Keegan—the son gets more manly—raised by his mother. You cannot count on the father. He’s a virtue-signaling, presumptuous asshole. Like, he just talks like a girl; he’s like a woke feminist. That kind of type. Very disappointing.

I’ll give you an example. They’re doing a wind farm project up here in this area—with 14 turbines—and it’s a bunch of bullshit. But I know it’s also good for the local economy because lots of guys here, that’s why the hotels I normally stay at were booked solid. But, you know, just on a lark, I mentioned it to Jimmy one afternoon a few days ago, and he goes into this diatribe about how great wind is, Thailand too, and he’s been involved in 45 projects like that.

That was my first clue. I’m like, okay, okay, fuck-tarded woman. There’s just no other way. Wind is fucking stupid. Completely. It’s a green boondoggle. But he’s getting the money from it, so he’s a fucking whore cunt. That’s all there is to say about it.

So then, to get to the last part—the last bit—last night, we go to Far’s mom’s house and there’s people there, and there’s one truck in the space right in front of the house where I normally park. So I said, okay, get off, Fah—get out. There’s an area to park in the brush across the street—so I park deep into it where people have already strewed it away at the end of the gutter, and I just park there. I get out of the truck—it’s right-hand drive, so it’s easy. I go back, and for some reason, Fah doesn’t like it. Doesn’t like how I parked. So she takes my keys—I just handed them to her in the house—and she goes to Jimmy as though to say, correct it for me, correct Richard. I’m like, what in the fuck? I didn’t make a scene; I just grab her hand, I take them, and I look at her. I say, you never, ever, ever do something like that.

So then I go I go down the road, pull a U-turn, and I come back and park in front of our neighbor’s house, which nobody’s in right now, so it’s dark. Park there. I come out and say, okay. Then I sit down, and Jimmy’s wife—Nan—offers me some brandy. It’s called Regency; it’s Thai, so it’s like brandy. I said, okay, sure, I’ll drink. So then I stand up and go in; I see Jimmy and Keegan—his son—are sitting there, and I go and say, hey, is that gonna be a problem? And he fucking goes off on me—the whole virtue-signaling routine, like, I don’t like people who drive drunk. I wasn’t fucking drunk; I was a little bit inebriated. I parked the car; silver parking a fucking car, really? And then I talk to him. He says, I told you once to go away—go away from me and my son—like a fucking parading woman.

So I go out; I say, okay, all right. I go out, sit back down where his wife is. I say to her—sorry, I try and try and try with your husband, but he’s not your husband; he’s your wife. He talks like a girl; he talks to me like a girl; he talks like a woman. But anyway, I’m sorry—I’m gonna go now. I come back, so you know, I gather my things and go out, and Fah is there to go out. And then he comes—I guess he was in the other room—he’s storming out of the house, out in front of like 12 Thai people. And Thai people do not behave this way at all. He’s like, you get outta here; you go away. And he punches me in the chest—punches me in the chest. I will knock you out, he says. Then his finishing thing is, you’re a typical Yank.

Yeah, and then we leave. But his reign as king of that area—of the village—who comes there once a year for a month or two with Nan and his wife, who he took out of Thailand—is at an end. Jimmy, your reign is at an end. I am the new king of the village. I am the new king of the village, and you know it. And that’s what’s got you all fucking agitated, because you already knew it.

Stay tuned for sagas to come.