Deer in Headlights & Morons on Parade: The First Free the Animal Contest

I laughed at myself as I wrote that — the contest part. I’m pretty much never interested in contests, and truth be told: I’m happier if you aren’t either. So then, do it for the fun & sport and the title. The thing is, this will be unlike any contest in the paleo realm you’ve ever seen. Or, it could flop, because it’s not going to be easy. Fun, but not easy.

It so happens that I have on hand some supplements of good quality that are beyond my current capacity to use in a timely fashion (notice how bad I suck at writing a blog to energize you about the contest). Mark Sisson’s Damage Control Master Formula. Now don’t take this the wrong way. I have a two month’s supply, unopened, and the reason I do is because I was on autoship for a number of months, but I don’t supplement daily. I do it intermittently. Consequently, his one month supply lasts me 2-3 months. I’m giving away one of those unopened cases, shipped anywhere in the world I can — and if I can’t ship to the winner, I’ll make it good one way or the other. If this goes well I’ll give away the other month in a similar contest.

Here’s the contest: you need to write a 300 word rant, give or take 50 words (so, 275 – 325…about 3 minutes speaking, ’cause I’m going to read the winning entry in video). English, of course. No rules as to what words you choose. Vulgar as you want, but that could run against you if not in context and too gratuitous. Bottom line is that vulgarity alone won’t win it for you. Cleverness and style will. Think Dennis Miller in his best days.

Now that’s gonna be fucking hard, isn’t it? No, it isn’t, because I’m going to give you such a 9 minute, target rich environment that’s you’re gonna come away thinking that this is gonna be as easy as Obama winning a ‘get your ass kissed’ contest.

Here’s the video and I’ll fill in the last of the details below.

What did I tell you? Here’s the link to the article. And a quote by moron number one, "Pixel."

Pixel spoke with loads of celebrities at PETA’S 30th Anniversary Gala in Hollywood, California, on Saturday. Alec Baldwin, Pamela Anderson, Anjelica Huston and more talked about giving a voice to animals. ‘I was amazed how many people really were animal activist, vegetarians, vegans, no leather. They were doing more than going Naked for PETA; they are living by their beliefs of protecting animals’ she said.

Breathless drivel. How. Fucking. Exciting.

Bryan Adams performed "Everything I Do" and the evening was filled with tributes that moved the audience to tears.

And tearful.

Now, I could write a post in any number of ranting directions; so see, it’s really easy as shit. Pick a single celebrity, machine gun the whole lot, or focus in on the overall transparency of the whole torrid affair. I have no preference and I have no idea which entry could be best.

Her’s the method. I’m going to pick the best three and either — I haven’t decided yet — publish them and put them to a community vote, or, email them to a few of my many paleo contacts and decide by committee. In either case the top three will be published — maybe more — so if I go by committee and we screw it up, comments will be open for your wrath.

Now, many of you put up ranting comments regularly. Just put in a bit more effort and you may have a shot at the title.

Oh, email your entries to me a the freetheanimal email address on the about page. DO NOT post your entries to comments. And you have until Friday morning, 10/1, 8am PST.

Since Covid killed my Cabo San Lucas vacation-rental business in 2021, this is my day job. I can't do it without you. Memberships are $10 monthly, $20 quarterly, or $65 annually. Two premium coffees per month. Every membership helps finance this work I do, and if you like what I do, please chip in. No grandiose pitches.


  1. David Csonka on September 28, 2010 at 17:38

    If only George Carlin were still alive. I know he would have the perfect thing to say.

    • Richard Nikoley on September 28, 2010 at 17:41

      Doesn’t have Tom,be perfect. And you have 2 plus days to think about a witty, entertaining rant.

  2. Aaron on September 28, 2010 at 18:24

    How apropos! Friday is the opening of archery deer season in Illinois!

  3. Leo on September 29, 2010 at 12:27

    As Pamela Anderson was speaking, I was enjoying a full pound of pastured, locally raised, locally slaughtered ground pork to break a 20 hour fast…. kinda chuckled at that one.

    thanks again Richard for a good dose of humor.


  4. Aaron Curl on September 29, 2010 at 03:25

    I really can’t finish watching it. I have never really heard such ignorant shit.

  5. Alex on September 29, 2010 at 04:48


    I am deeply concerned about animal welfare, but I switched from being a vegetarian to a meat eater after learning more about the primal and paleo ways. I decided if I was to cut down carbs I should also increase my meat intake.

    But I only eat free range meat. I believe that our meat industry today is disgusting and not at all in line with our ancestors hunting for survival.

    Ancestors and current cultures hunt animals when they are hungry then eat the whole thing; I’m not against that in any way and it is perfectly nutritious and natural.

    I am against intensively farming animals in very cramped conditions where the animals cannot move, have no social interaction, poor diet, no sunlight, and are injected with hormones and other chemicals. On top of that we throw away and waste tons of meat either because of surplus supply or because people don’t want to eat some parts of the animal.

    In short, I admire the people at PETA who actually take action in the name of their beliefs, and I take my own action by supporting local farms who raise animals on open ground in natural conditions, and shunning mass produced processed meat where sentient animal suffering is out of the minds of the masses.

    I think I am an example of a person who can care about animal welfare and still eat dead animals; this is possible, and I believe, laudable.

    • Alex on September 29, 2010 at 05:29

      I almost thought you were me right up until you wrote “I admire the people at PETA”.

  6. Alex on September 29, 2010 at 06:13

    well I don’t actually know that much about PETA and individual actions they take, but I admire the beliefs they stand for. Too many people cover their ears and bury their head in the sand for the sake of convenience.

  7. Jonathan on September 29, 2010 at 07:28

    If PETA was only out to do what their name says then all would be fine. Ethical!!!! Killing an animal to eat is not un-ethical. Using the fur from that animal is not un-ethical.
    For example, think of how much good they’d do if they stopped the vegan push and moved to working on stopping factory farming in a push to pasture raising. That would be ethical treatment.
    Wanna talk about sustainable? How about corn syrup? Is that sustainable? That land, time, fertilizer, etc. could have been used to raise cattle or veggies. Stupid people! AGH!

  8. Katt on September 29, 2010 at 09:27

    The only comment I could make towards Alec Baldwin was… Man, have you LOOKED in the mirror lately? How’s that whole grain and sugar working out for you?

    But if that wasn’t bad enough… one of the comments stopped me cold. Eating meat was causing the rainforest to die… um… no. Clearing the forest for CROPS is causing the rainforest to die. *facepalm*

    Meat, raised properly, is highly sustainable. PETA needs a clue.

  9. kevhughes on September 29, 2010 at 14:54

    Rant? I wouldn’t know where to start. Actually, I started by saying thank you to the steak I had for lunch. No response…prick!

  10. Mallory on September 29, 2010 at 17:35

    a 3 minute rant about anything??? omg wow….hahahaha this is the best contest ever. i have no use for the prize but i love a reason to let lose@!

  11. Juan on September 30, 2010 at 07:19

    Hey PETA, your dumb called. It wants its brain back.

  12. Christ on October 1, 2010 at 09:20

    PETA blog is curiously named The PETA Files…say that out loud
    also check the sight

  13. jon w on October 10, 2010 at 00:36

    Recently went in the vegetarian store in Hilo Hawaii hoping to find some unsweetened tea… saw no less than three hunched over, skeletal-looking victims of vegan starvation in the five minutes I was there. A young and and old woman, and a man about my age… I feel sad for them but then I started thinking about B12 deficiency, so I went down the street and ate a big plate of liver, onions and bacon with three eggs on top.

  14. Alex Good on March 20, 2011 at 20:27

    Bryan Adams can’t actually believe in peta… Oh and if you’re wondering why a 19 year old knows who he is, I was taken to Robin Hood in theatres at less than a month old. It is now my favourite movie.

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