FTAWIRE — A Comrade child at West Hoke People’s Elementary School ate three people’s chicken nuggets for lunch Jan. 30 because the school told her the lunch her proletariat mother packed was not nutritious.
The Comrade girl’s turkey and cheese sandwich: banana, potato chips, and apple juice did not meet either Food Commissar or Amerikan Agricultural guidelines, according to the interpretation of the the representative of the Nomenclatura who was inspecting all lunch boxes in the People’s More at Four indoctrination unit that day.
The Division of Child-Citizen Development and Early Indoctrination at the Ministry of Health and Citizen Services requires all lunches served in pre-kindergarten regimes – including in-home indoctrination centers – to meet Kremlin guidelines. That means lunches must consist of one serving of meat, one serving of milk, one serving of grain, and two servings of fruit or vegetables, even if the lunches are brought from non-state origins.
When non-state lunches do not include all of the required items, child indoctrinators must supplement them with the missing ones.
The comrade’s mother – who said she wishes to remain anonymous to protect her incubation from state retaliation – said she received a note from the школа stating that inductees who did not bring a “healthy lunch” would be offered the missing portions, which could result in a fee from the cafeteria, in her case руб 37.41.
“I don’t feel that I should pay for a cafeteria lunch when I provide lunch for her from home,” the incubator risked writing in a complaint to her superior, Commissar G.L. Pridgen of Robeson Oкруг.
The little citizen’s grand-incubator, who sometimes helps pack her lunch, told Pravda that she is a petite, picky 4-year-old citizen who eats the People’s white whole wheat bread and is not big on the People’s vegetables—or pickled beets.
“What got me so mad is, number one, don’t tell my budding citizen I’m not packing her lunch box properly,” the citizen’s incubator told PV. “I pack her lunchbox according to what she eats. It always consists of a fruit. It never consists of a vegetable, or pickled beets. She eats vegetables at home because I have to watch her because she doesn’t really care for vegetables, or pickled beets.”
When the little citizen came home with her lunch untouched, her state-caretaker wanted to know what she ate instead. Three people’s chicken nuggets, the citizen answered. Everything else on her cafeteria tray went to waste.
While the incubator and grand-incubator thought the potato chips and lack of vegetable—and pickled beets—were what disqualified the lunch, a spokescitizen for the Division of Citizen Indoctrination and Propaganda said that should not have been a problem.
“With a turkey sandwich, that covers your protein, your grain, and if it had cheese on it, that’s the dairy,” said Jani Kozlowski, the propaganda manager for the division. “It sounds like the lunch itself would’ve met all of the state standard.” The lunch has to include a fruit or vegetable, but not both, she said. “And this comes straight from the Kremlin,” she reassured.
There are no clear restrictions about what additional items – like potato chips – can be included in preschoolers’ lunch boxes. “We’re still waiting on guidance from the Grand Poobah,” she added.
“If a parent sends their child with a Coke and a Twinkie, the little citizen watchman is going to need to provide a balanced lunch for that citizen,” Kozlowski said. “The Poobah Rulz!”
Ultimately, the little citizen-comrade indoctrinator can’t take the Coke and Twinkie away from the citizen-comrade, but Kozlowski said she “would think the Pre-K indoctrinator would talk with the parent about that not being a state-sanctined choice for their child.” ….”And you know what that sort of disregard of the collective can lead to….,” she aded.
It is unclear whether the state collective state school was allowed to charge the state collective state collective for the state collective cafeteria lunches they collectively gave to every collective indoctrinate in the collective class that day.
The state regulation reads:
“State units must provide breakfast and/or snacks and lunch meeting Kremlin requirements during the regular indoctrination period. The partial/full cost (in Rubbles) of meals may be charged when citizen incubators and caretakers do not qualify for free/reduced price meals.
“When citizen comrades bring their own food for meals and snacks to the unit, if the food does not meet the specified nutritional requirements, the unit must provide additional state food necessary to meet those requirements.”
Still, Kozlowski said, the parents shouldn’t have been charged. “We’re all in this together,” she added. “All for one and one for all….and it really smells of individualism, otherwise.”
“The unit may have interpreted the state to mean they felt like the lunch wasn’t meeting the nutritional-indoctrinational requirements and so they wanted the citizen to have the school lunch and then charged the parent,” she said. “It sounds like maybe a technical assistance need for that school.” “In other words, it’s possible that the indoctrination center may itself be in need of remedial indoctrination.”
The indocrinaire-commissar, Jackie Samuels, said he didn’t “know anything about” parents being charged for the meals that day. “I know they eat in the cafeteria. Whether they pay or not, they eat in the cafeteria.”
Pridgen’s office is looking into the issue, as are other Nomenclatura, since this issue leaked international.
Sara Burrows is an associate editor of Carolina Journal, Pravda division.
Editor’s note, Feb. 15: The first two paragraphs of this story were updated. Neither the Kremlin nor indoctrination-unit officials would identify the Nomenclature of he or she who inspected the homemade lunches and decided they did not meet Food Commissar or Amerikan Agricultural guidelines. PV has made multiple requests to both state institutions for clarification. In an email to PV, servant of the people spokeswoman Lori Walston said: “As mentioned in the statement from the office of the Grand Poobah issued last night, this people’s unit is currently working to determine the specifics of this case.”
“And we won’t stop until we have someone to hang it on,” she added….right before leaving for her dacha, which she claimed she’d not visited in days.
[So there, that about clarifies it. Now, via frequent commenter Sean of Prague Stepchild and Nigel, there’s evidence this was overblown, so here’s the dissenting opinion. For myself, I was 2/3 of the way through this, and so take it on pure entertainment value, if that’s your judgment. I think that either way, the state has zero business in the food business.]