Paleo Cinnabon!!! That’s What Tears it For Me

When a few early Paleo enthusiasts stopped being enthusiastic, I laughed and dismissed them.

When a few of those, and others, wrote posts of divorce, I laughed and dismissed all of them again.

See, I’d written several posts prior—seeing what the low-carb Junk-Food “Revolution” Atkins had become—about what I eroneously took to be tantamount to a silver bullet or golden helmet. Since it was founded in human evolution, I didn’t see a way to rationally circumvent that, because the foundation is the foundation. Otherwise, what are foundations good for? I stupidly assumed that being in an evolutionary foundational paradigm would be just too much cognitive dissonance to go too far.

Man, was I ever wrong.

…I always mistake the power of being a whore. Whores are always out for money and they’re expert marksmen for marks.

I stood by as paleo got filled with ignorant, stoopid creationists who are merely eaters of regurgitate mommy and daddy “taught” them and probably often enough, beat them into submission when natural, childhood animal tendencies rose up to some form of independent  assertion.

BabyBirds Miller 061705
Tell Me What to Do!

I make no bones about the fact that I loath religion, fantasy-as-fact religious dogma. I particularly loath and hate the damage it does to young people, shackling their one and only life they have actual knowledge of, in the name of a Mother Goose fantasy they have zero knowledge of. Fortunately, and likely by chance, I raised a middle finger to the Fundamentalist Baptists in a process from 18-20—partied and screwed with girls to mutual delight—and never looked back on that nest of impotent, limp-dick, fuckhead men: whose sole motivation is Woman Control…because they couldn’t create a real female orgasm if their life depended upon it; and where, if they had any sense at all, would come to realize how doing so is the key to the kingdom of life.

Yin. Yang.

…And so what do I come to find, but that Victory Belt Publishing decides to jump on the Palo bandwagon a few years back. Basically, they’ll do a paleo book for anyone with a heartbeat. You probably won’t make much money being published with a flashy book & zero credentials (I have emails), so it perhaps ought to be named Vanity Belt, but I digress.

A few weeks back, I loaded up the car with all the books I’d received to review (it would literally have been a full time job to review that many) and took them to a used bookstore in Campbell. There were two full hand trucks of books stacked to the hilt. $200. Thanks, Victory Belt!

The other thanks to Victory Belt is that it gave me a perspective into the changing nature of what I’d loved & nourished in my own way over years while resisting every admonishment that things were going way off track.

To me, I felt that dealing with the low-carb bullshit was easy, over time. It’s just not suitable for most and I have hundreds, if not thousands, of comments from folks attesting to that from their own experience. I also felt that dealing with mal-interpretations of anthropological science would easily correct in time (and even my own). I still do think that, actually. I’m game. I can continue. It’s a process.

And, I love laughing at any idiot who still—in 2013—believes in a big man in the sky. That’s just sporting fun for me. Hunting season. People who believe in God are the utter essence of stupid out of fear. There’s plenty, so lots of work to do and I love that work; which for me now, centers on this idea: “how does having your own personal imaginary friend as an adult work for you in an increasingly atheistic complex world?” And, if that atheism isn’t completely philosophical, it’s unarguably practical for most, and international (social media is grand in this regard).

In other words, God has been reduced to a caricature for grandmothers who wear black, and predominantly live in the nether regions of Spain and Italy (I’m excluding the 14th Century dirt scratching savages we ought ignore, rather than drone kill them out of the same [competitive—my God is better that your God] fear). What’s hilarious is how far behind the times the MSM is, with its 90%+ atheist commentators who can’t get enough of what the Pope is doing.

May we live in interesting times….

…Beyond being bombarded with Victory Belt books almost every week, I note that most books are cookbooks and every cookbook must have a dessert or treats section.

Tell you what. Go google something like ‘paleo treats.’ See how many results. Next, go google something like ‘paleo meatloaf’ or something like that. Do as many variations as you like. You’ll see what I mean.

I get about a dozen emails per day from people who have been “reading and ‘LOVING'” my blog and want to do a guest post. All get deleted summarily. I get 2-3 emails per week from people with the latest and greatest info graphic and it would be ‘perfect for [my] blog’. That’s the mundane. But what I hate most of all is the emails from “paleo peeps,” so often with a picture of some baked sweet dessert treat.

So, I have finally reached my own level of outrage.

I will never, ever review another paleo book with a single dessert in it. Not a Single. Fucking. One. I will forever disown anyone in any fashion that promotes any such thing and I would ask you to join me in that. But make it personal, so they understand.

Look at it this way. I walk that talk. Show me one single dessert item in something like 250-300 recipe posts I’ve done. What you’re most likely to find is that we had some berries & cream or yogurt or something like that after the meal.

So, to my simple mind, paleo can withstand the low carbers (it’s an active debate). It can withstand misinterpretation of anthropology (active debate, still grounded in the fact of human evolution). It can withstand the Oingo Boingo band of delirious people fearful that they’re really not going to sit at the feet of Jesus for eternity, worshipping him (I staunchly prefer Hell).

What it cannot withstand is a marketing effort, now, to recruit people specifically and literally based upon their penchant for baked sweet tweets—by selling them MORE OF THEM!

Fuck all of you who have done that to this once great movement. I wish you hell, and have an ice day.

25 Comments

  1. Kyle Bennett on October 30, 2013 at 17:26

    They did their best to turn it into a fad diet, and succeeded. That’s fine, that’s baked in as soon as something can be identified as a “movement”. I’m still fighting with making it work, but what I’m not fighting with is re-enactors, crutch-peddlers, and marketing mongers.

  2. Tim Kennedy on October 30, 2013 at 19:03

    I agree with everything you said. When I first went gluten free, long befor dabbling in paleo, someone told me the trick to success is to stay away from the imitations of the foods I was giving up, otherwise, what’s the point? It irks me when someone is talking about paleo, then publishing their paleo creme brûlée recipe.

  3. beansmcgrady on October 30, 2013 at 20:39

    Well isn’t that always the way. Decent shit gets co-opted by stupid fucks. At least smart people don’t have to throw the baby out with the bathwater. (though honestly that images totally crack me up)
    I drank a fucking Coke today. I was tired and it was too early for beer.

  4. Todd on October 30, 2013 at 20:55

    The holiday season is especially loathsome because people are making “healthier” treats so they don’t consume so much sugar, calories, etc. Why? Indulge and enjoy the heck out of the real thing. Then stop. It’s called a “treat” for a reason.

  5. Steven on October 30, 2013 at 21:15

    I stopped all the paleo BS about 3-4 months after I jumped on the wagon a couple years ago. I baked a few things like the breads and such and they were good but… I was fooling only me. I have a massive sweet tooth. I do. But pure raw honey on some berries. A semi ripe papaya and a greenish banana are really good together. I will top frozen berries/cherries/mango with ground vanilla beans and coconut butter as a treat. Nature is full of wondrous “treats”. Toss a pear in a pan after having cooked bacon in it and let the face caramelize a touch and soften a bit. Simple wondrous heaven. I have even converted my non-paleo family to my “dessert” ideas. They are all really easy to make and you can recognize all the ingredients.

    Yeah, I will make cauliflower mash here and there and a custard that is coconut milk, banana and eggs for holiday goodies… but that is about it.

  6. phreebie on October 31, 2013 at 00:16

    You know what I say? Sometimes I do enjoy a good dessert. Paleo Cheesecake? Fuck you! I’m having a goddamn cheesecake when I want a fucking cheesecake. I just don’t want cheesecake that often.

    Right now I’m enjoying a heineken, just the one. It isn’t paleo? Fuck you!

    I’ve IF’d most of the day, taken the dog to the lake, did a body weight workout while there, had a quick swing on a kid’s swing, till I thought the height I was getting was going to loosen the support posts. Came home, had some left over meat, and while my cottage pie (with potato and all) is cooking, I’m enjoying a beer.

    Tomorrow I’ma get up at 0430 and go for a ride in a RHIB to meet a patrol boat. The end of that day is likely to involve several heinekens, or maybe the local cheap & cheerful brew. Maybe I’ll even get some garlic bread *gasp*. Not garlic paleo bread or anything else. Real fucking garlic bread. Or maybe I just won’t.

    Some cunts might not think I’m paleo or whatever. Yeah. I call myself primal since I got into this by way of the Sisson. I don’t give a fuck whether any motherfucker thinks I’m paleo, or true primal, or what the fuck ever or not. I’m fucking healthy and living life bitches.

    Oh yeah I really love the flavour of my full cream milk & 2 TBS of potato starch too. If I ever get an inkling I’ll be meeting a paleo snob, I’ll take an extra few TBSPs just for the windage.

  7. Nick M on October 31, 2013 at 06:50

    I’m still making my PALEO dark chocolate covered bacon for Thanks giving and there’s nothing you can do to stop me Sturmbannführer Nikoley!

  8. Nick M on October 31, 2013 at 07:00

    Oh and I’m going to have to check out the new “Paleo” section at the book store. I’m assuming it’s the one in downtown? Love that little place. It’s right next to my “office” at Orchard Valley Coffee.

  9. Richard Nikoley on October 31, 2013 at 07:04

    “Sturmbannführer”

    Laf.

    Ha, that place used to be my office every Thursday for a few hours while the housekeepers were here. Now they just clean my office first for me.

  10. ChocoTaco369 on October 31, 2013 at 10:25

    I have been eating “mostly” paleo for almost three years now. The reason why I say “mostly” is because I’ve modified it to something that I believe is superior. Sure, I avoid wheat, soy, PUFA oils, most grains and almost everything that comes in a box or a bag like the plague, but I eat fruit and starch liberally (potatoes are my staple) and I regularly eat corn tortillas (hominy I think is fine) and I’m cool with white rice. That being said, I always have dessert in my house. I have simply shifted the dessert I eat from junk food – cookies, brownies, chocolate cake, etc. – to desserts with redeeming qualities. I’ve had an ice cream maker for years and I make my own. I challenge anyone to say that ice cream with ingredients: pure cream, whole milk, 9 egg yolks, 3 vanilla beans and a stevia/honey blend is terribly unhealthy. I don’t make cake, but I do eat cheesecake on occasion that I make myself. I have also become something of a chocolatier. None of these things have become dietary staples, and I limit them to one serving after my heavy weight workouts. And do you know what I find? I find it totally keeps any cravings at bay and allows me to eat perfectly when I’m not being as active.

    And I’ll be damned if I call any one of these things “paleo.” They are, however, probably healthier than your average meal. I’ll put my homemade ice cream up against the average person’s lunch of a sandwich, a bag of Doritos and a Coke any day. And I’ll win.

  11. bornagain on October 31, 2013 at 12:48

    Funny, but I agree with most of your views on religion. However I prefer to judge a person by their actions (things which can affect me) rather than their beliefs (things which don’t affect me). Most religious people are pretty decent people to have around. Unfortunately religion is a social structure that is ripe for abuse by charlatans.

  12. John Venlet on October 31, 2013 at 13:04

    Richard, your defense of the purity of the paleo way is as apoplectic as the one true church’s (whatever that is) defense of their dogmas.

  13. Ulfric Douglas on October 31, 2013 at 13:08

    Dinner was a pork chop, I’m eating “dessert” right now : half a steak.
    Happy Hallowe’en.

  14. rob on October 31, 2013 at 14:00

    I’d feel embarrassed requesting a Cinnabon, Paleo or otherwise. Grownups eat Whisky, kids eat Cinnabons.

  15. Richard Nikoley on October 31, 2013 at 14:24

    John, that’s quite a question beg there, buddy. How about go ask Billy.

  16. EatLessMoveMoore on October 31, 2013 at 19:58

    Wow. This comes perilously close to dissing the Jimmer.

  17. John Venlet on October 31, 2013 at 20:31

    Richard, my comment was an observation, not a question, so your suggestion is meaningless.

  18. Richard Nikoley on November 1, 2013 at 07:08

    John, begging the question means assuming something (my defense of paleo purity) as part of your ‘observation’ that you haven’t substantiated.

    Moreover, you can’t substantiate that because it isn’t true and never has been in 6 years of blogging about it.

  19. Graham on November 1, 2013 at 07:35

    Pretty sure the picture of the baby birds is the comment section of Mark’s Daily Apple.

    Wholeheartedly agree with the post, and I’m in! I absolutely despise all “substitute” foods, sweet or not. If you want your mother in law’s badass pie crust, own the decision and move on; at least you’ll get a nice leptin reset.

  20. Joshua on November 1, 2013 at 08:42

    I’ll take my cinnabon with a side of whisky.

  21. J. B. Rainsberger on November 2, 2013 at 13:13

    Dude. Seriously. This is what happens to successful ideas. Calm. The. Fuck. Down.

    Let idiots be idiots. Decide whether to help those that you believe really want to learn.

  22. Richard Nikoley on November 2, 2013 at 13:28

    JB

    Thanks for the advice. Yea, after like 2,000 posts on Paleo I should finally start trying to help people.

  23. bornagain on November 2, 2013 at 15:38

    Good advice JB. We don’t want another Paleo war. The last one did not go so well.

  24. Richard Nikoley on November 2, 2013 at 16:25

    @bornagain

    Thanks for daily convincing me that you are not worth my time.

  25. lou on November 7, 2013 at 10:46

    the other day, i dug a hole in an apple, then stuffed it with some pumpkin, a drip of honey, and a bit of cinnamon, then stuck it in the oven until it exploded. what is your opinion on a sweet treat thing such as this??

Leave a Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.