What In The Hell Is Up With Richard Nikoley?

I suppose it’s time to provide context. I’m posting this here, and on Patreon.

In February of 2001, Beatrice Fabela and I got married at Rocky Point, 10 miles south of Carmel, CA. It was after about 4 years of living together, two of those since buying a house in Willow Glen in San Jose, fixing it up, etc.

It’s been a good run, but it’s over now.

Three weeks ago today—well, at about 11pm the night prior—she took the dogs and left after an argument and I have not seen her since, nor spoken with her. She’s safe and sound with her parents and general family down in SoCal. We’ve texted here and there.

Today marks my 57th birthday and over the last couple of days I have finally crossed the point of no return, which is also the point at which I stop stewing about the past, transitioning to a view of the future and the opportunities and joys it may afford for me—and to Beatrice as well, which I would certainly hope for and celebrate.

The how and why is not important, anymore, though I will say that it does not involve infidelity on either part; not now and not ever. It’s just the process of life, in which we’re both guilty and we’re both blameless. We’re both human animals living a human life and sometimes there comes the point where our paths must diverge for our mutual well-being.

But fuck, it’s hard. When we were married I had just turned 40 and she was 41 and some months. It was the first marriage for both of us and in a bit less than a month it will be the 17th and last anniversary. No children were involved then, nor since. In that respect, it makes this process an exercise in an equitable distribution of assets.

In terms of my own production here and on Patreon, well, now you perhaps have some insight and understanding into how I have not been myself, lately. That part has been especially stressful because I’m such a consistent producer going back a very long time. And in terms of Patreon, I’m being paid for it directly, which gives me a level of guilt that must be rectified. I thank and appreciate all those who understand and wish to stick with me. It will get better, and very soon. This post is the first step in that definitive process.

Your monetary support at $5 monthly and vote of confidence means a great deal to me. I don’t take it lightly. As it turns out, January has proven to be a healthy lackluster coast in terms of Bitcoin and Cryptocurrency which I’m thankful for on a number of levels, as it has provided me the opportunity to not say much of anything when there’s really not that much to say. In a sense, you also pay me to not fill your eyes and ears with the irrelevant and meaningless in times such as these.

Well, it is my birthday so I believe I’ll take the rest of the day off, blast lots of Rush music, and when not, continue my binging of the History Channel series, Vikings.

You will see me tomorrow, moving forward and onward. Thank you.

Since Covid killed my Cabo San Lucas vacation-rental business in 2021, this is my day job. I can't do it without you. Memberships are $10 monthly, $20 quarterly, or $65 annually. Two premium coffees per month. Every membership helps finance this work I do, and if you like what I do, please chip in. No grandiose pitches.


  1. Hugh on January 29, 2018 at 14:55

    Well fuck. For what it’s worth, happy birthday.

  2. Daniel F on January 29, 2018 at 17:24


    I have been a constant reader of yours since around 2011. Initially it was because of the Paleo thing, and you provided information and guidance that was extremely useful, and always independent, not driven by an agenda or something you wanted to be true. You would always self-correct, own up (with laughter) to your mistakes and errors, and call out anyone — ally or otherwise — for their bullshit. I stuck with the blog way past Paleo, through the potato starch hack, and the “gut biome” stuff, and the every other seeming detour or tangent that the blog has taken. Through the John Galt-ing of your business, your moves, your interactions with various communities, and then on into the crypto stuff (and I’m sure I am missing some topics in there).

    The reason you have always been a must-read site for me comes down to your honesty and seeking out of the truth. The truth, as we know, can never be reached, but striving towards it is something that some of us have to do, are compelled to do. It is rare to find a writer who has that quality. You do.

    I owe a lot to you for all of the insight you have provided, and the road maps you have helped provide for our own self-knowledge. I definitely don’t agree with you on everything, but that is a given. I learn from you because I know you are seeking the truth and try, to the best of your ability, to be honest with yourself and with your readers.

    I wish you and Beatrice the best going forward.

    • Richard Nikoley on January 29, 2018 at 20:05

      I could not write a better, more wide swathing comment myself and if I tried, it would come off as disingenuous.

      Thank you sir. This, above all others, has veritably made my day.

    • Tim J Penner on February 8, 2018 at 15:15

      @Daniel F: That sums it up quite well.


  3. Paul Hassler on January 30, 2018 at 06:30

    Sounds like Beatrice is not handling retirement as a teacher very well. She lost her students (children). She took the dogs, dogs are like children.
    Buy a dog, get back to work. You need the distraction. and we need you. paul

    • Richard Nikoley on February 20, 2018 at 15:47

      Meh, Paul, not really.

      I work at home and up until last June, Bea left for the day, every day, for 9 months out of the year.

      It’s nobody’s fault but even in longer summer vacations both of us always new that it would end, so enjoy while you can. It’s amazing how short 2 1/2 months can be.

      Anyway, my working hypothesis is that we were OK suited in that context. Once we’d hit the 6-7th month point of “summer vacation,” we both came to realize that 24/7 companionship in perpetuity was not going to work well for either of us.

      In a phonecon a week or so ago, we expressed how we both feel somewhat like “caged animals.”

      Take it for what it’s worth.

  4. thhq on January 30, 2018 at 13:07

    Retirement. Age. Disruptions that turn the people we loved into the complaints department.


    • Richard Nikoley on February 21, 2018 at 10:12

      We’ve talked about that. Until last June, we went to work every morning and didn’t see each other until the evening.

      Even the summer vacation is rather short and it’s typically highly distracting because you fill it with stuff to do. But when you both find yourself together virtually 24/7, well, that didn’t last a single 365 cycle.

      Nobody’s fault. It just is.

  5. Marc on January 31, 2018 at 05:13

    Sent you an email…..

    I believe, transformation and chnage are two VERY different things-
    Most folk want so bad to “CHANGE” , but you my man have always wanted to “TRANSFORM”
    TRANSFORMATION means nothing from the past remains , thats transformation vs change and that is necessary when appropriate and as such NATURAL

    As my dad used to say to my sis and I, “head up and tits forward, lets go” :-)

  6. tim on January 31, 2018 at 07:30

    Richard, Sorry to hear that. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do.

  7. Transformational Wisdom on January 31, 2018 at 12:31

    […] What In The Hell Is Up With Richard Nikoley? […]

  8. cth on February 2, 2018 at 12:05

    Hi Richard,

    Long-time reader of your blog and very occasional commenter (only blog I think I have ever left comments on). I found your blog many years ago and disagreed with a lot of what you said sometimes – hence being moved leave a comment. Could never fault your honesty however even if I disagreed with you. Sorry to hear your news and I hope things work out long term. Suspect you still have a lot of lurkers like myself reading your blog. All the best. Keep on posting!

  9. BabyGirl on February 9, 2018 at 18:04

    Sorry to hear that Richard. And Beatrice, who I’ve always shown respect for by not saying what I thought, that you (Richard) are truly the hottest man on the internet in every single way I could imagine.

    Rats, wish I lived closer.

  10. BabyGirl on February 9, 2018 at 20:02

    Hey, don’t publish my comment about how hot I think you are. That would probably hurt Beatrice’s feelings. You know it’s the first thing I’ve ever posted like that, because I’ve always respected her and you being married.

    Maybe when you’re officially single I’ll come back and flirt with you. :-)

  11. Duck on February 12, 2018 at 16:57

    Just keep it real, Richard. That’s what’s kept your writings so great.

  12. Richard Nikoley on February 19, 2018 at 08:21

    Sorry for the delay in posting comments here and on subsequent posts. Another glitch that caused all commenters to be “banned” and their comments going straight to the trash bin. Just went through thousands of spam to find the 30 or so good comments and restore them.

    The glitch is, apparently, if you put one commenter in the ban list, everyone is banned. I now have a work around to deal with asshole wankers who have already approved comments and so are whitelisted, but I’m not interested in hearing from them ever again. PZO: you know who you are, for example.

    The other set is the half dozen solipsist wankers who have never posted a comment here, yet apparently know all about my life and my 21 year relationship with Bea enough to know exactly what is going down, why, etc., and came into gloat about it being wrong in every single sense from income, productive work, to who initiated this breakup. Laf. Wrong in every way.


  13. […] Chapter 1 was posted on my 57th birthday, January 29. […]

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